Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
