Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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