The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
