Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Can i not drive my cunt home
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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