my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
