dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
