I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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