She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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