im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
