She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
