Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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