I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
