She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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