Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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