he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
