Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
babies were throwing up all over the place
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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