i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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