the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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