so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You don't make any sense
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