I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
