I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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