I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
