You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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