he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize