does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
