She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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