there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
