I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
