Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
