i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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