There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
