Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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