I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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