it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
