i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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