I cannot find my penis.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
