Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
