You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
