I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
