Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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