I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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