We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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