Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
