Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
