You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
