also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
