you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm both gender and math confused
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
