Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No I am not eating basil off your cock
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
