I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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