I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
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