When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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