I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
